Sather

I have gotten a lot of beating" lately over my definition of sexual confidence and views on sexual desire which are on most part very counter-cultural in the West where sexuality is still very much a "lower" or primitive" state, and a dangerous and potentially destructive drive" that drags down men and women to act, often against their better judgement, and which could be redeemed by intellectual rationality. And where most people still keep sexual desires and their expression under the lock and key of a strict series of technical calculations susceptible to the same kinds of rule-like mathematical formulae as the rest of rational thought.

I have no quarrel with that, we live in an era of personal choice and each to their own way.

The reason, I keep writing and speaking about this narrow-minded way of looking at sexual confidence and sexual desire is because everyday I meet men and women, and receive so many emails from men and women, young and old, struggling with the tension between the expression of their contradictory sexual beingness and the constraints of the social world they live in. One of the manifestations of this tension is the inability to express their sexual beingness in a way that is healthy, revitalizing, and deeply fascinating.

See when many men and women hear the word sexual" they immediately think the act of sex". Thats the way most people have been taught and all they know about anything sexual - a tingling in the groins that if you allow yourself to feel (and enjoy) youll lose your rational mind and when you die, youll go to hell and burn in a big fire. Thats the puritan version.

The more liberal version is that the sexual" is a freak show, where your freaky side comes out to express itself and you can do anything and bonk anyone because its oh-so freaky this sexual thing! This is a very immature and adolescent way of looking at sexuality - and sex.

Again like I say, we live in an era of personal choice and each to their own way.

Here is the thing. Much has been written in recent years about sexual confidence and developing "I can do it" attitude, and there have also been many "success" programs geared towards the technique" aspect of sex. These books and programs are effective as far as they go. They are good for people who see no connection between their sexual power, a fulfilling sexual life and the realization of the self. For people seeking more than just a mechanical groin - action, these books and programs often create an imbalance, or add to an already existing imbalance.

Developing sexual confidence is actually a very simple process. So simple in fact, that you might wonder why we seem to have such a difficult time with it.

Having sexual confidence has little to do with how big a sexual tool you have (ever heard of the saying: Its not the size of the dog - it's the size of the fight in the dog!), how well you can belly dance or twist yourself around a pole, how much skin you can expose or even how many mind blowing orgasms you can have. Having sexual confidence has everything to do with a deep sense of self-knowingness and ability to express your own unique, specialized, individualized way of being sexual. It is an understanding, appreciation and ability to constructively negotiate your human sexuality (personal values, sensations, thoughts, emotions, the inner workings of the body, how you feel about yourself as well as your sexual behaviour, who you are attracted to, and how you choose to express, channel, and focus your innate and raw sexual energy) in ways that bring you a harmonious balance, health, joy, inner peace and wholeness.

Walking around with your head full of clever techniques, pick-up lines and conversation starters, when your sexual energy ( and innermost desires) is all drawn down and frozen in your stiffened groins is not just the most sexually unattractive thing to look at, but the most self-destructive thing you can ever do to your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.

And dont get me started on those technical calculations - touch the ear and keeping rubbing for four minutes; kiss the neck for two minutes; next run fingers in the small of the back for another two minutes; good, move to the left and start stroking thighs; lift leg exactly 90 degrees; count up to fourteen; now, turn her on her back and get down to business that kind of cold mechanical nonsense that gives the impression that sex is a mathematical equation and we are scheming human calculators with no real human desires.

Sexual desire is not an evil or freak show waiting to happen. Were created sexual. Its not something we say or do, its WHO WE ARE. Its a part of every man and woman. It is an intimate and integral part of being human, and it's woven into the structures of our families and communities. It is embedded in the way we live on the land. It underlies and is embodied in our practices of working and earning and sharing and loving. The sexual desires you feel in the core of your human beingness is love trying to happen. To liberate that desire is to come into the perfect love that casts out fear - the love of who you are in relation to all of nature.

The problem is that most of us fear becoming someone we do not as yet know. It's not how powerless we will become that we fear. It's how powerful we already are that frightens us.

Consider for a moment what your life would be like if you finally discovered the fullness that arises when you live every moment with love, compassion and joy. What would it be like to live in the fullness of your sexual power, wisdom and consciousness? What if you could command attention, affection and respect without asking for it? Stop intellectualizing the way you feel and be more spontaneous in your emotional manifestations and actions? What would it be like to be able to easily tell when a member of the opposite sex is interested into you? How would you feel if you could look at yourself differently when youre attracted to someone else because you know that there is a good part of you inside which you unlimitedly and unconditionally offer to the other? What would it be like to be more comfortable doing things in and outside the bedroom that increase sexual pleasure? Feel sharing sexual fantasies and communicating what you like and don't like? What would it be like to be overflowing with heightened passion, vitality and sexual confidence? No doubt, your life would be awesome!

Simply daydreaming doesnt change anything. Take action to make it happen! Let fear have no part in it. Who knows, before long you'll be living out the fullness of your life both in and out of the bedroom!

About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of eBook: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness. Her unique approach to dating has helped hundreds create positive, constructive, honest and fulfilling relationships.

Christine's websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com and http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com