I've worked full time to empower men to learn social skills and get what they want out of their social lives for three years now. In that time, I've had one question that I've wondered about again and again.
What sets men apart - How come some men who are worse-looking, less wealthy, and not particularly naturally gifted get results while other men can't get women they want?
It didn't come down to any one factor, but here's what I found about the guys who get what they want:
The successful man is consistent about trying. He is not necessarily great, but he is consistent. The unsuccessful man may really want success, but he will fall off the wagon from time to time or drag his heels. He might go out thirteen nights in a row, but then he stays at home for two weeks playing video games.
The successful man is balanced. He has other diverse things going on in his life. He might have a high-impact job, difficult studies, interesting hobbies, or play a sport, but no matter what, he does something to keep himself engaged and getting new experiences to learn from all the time. While he may not be naturally gifted in any of these areas, he has at least one or two things going for him that he loves and works hard at.
The successful man is busy. Guys that get success are the ones you'd think would have no time to do so. They work 40+ hours a week, take a class or informally study something (like learning a language, or dancing), take care of their health, and still go out to meet new women. The unsuccessful man feels very busy, but yet somehow doesn't have much to show for it. He doesn't get things done. Why he doesn't is a mystery, but he doesn't succeed.
The successful man gets someone to kick his butt for him. People fall off without support and guidance. It's better to have someone pushing you to work hard and get success even if they're not an expert on something. So much the better if you are. It's hard to stay motivated at lots of things worth focusing on. All the best athletes in the world have coaches. Executives have a vast array of assistants to keep them focused and on-track. Successful people get others to push them to keep them successful.
The successful man proves to himself that the methodologies he is using work. He fights and rails against them until he finds they are correct, and reassesses them from time to time. He gets success using a system because he is solidly confident in it. The unsuccessful man may take someone's word that it works, or even see others using it. He may know logically that something like the VAC System of Generating Attraction works, but he hasn't proved it to himself, so probably doesn't feel it in his heart.
The successful man has a burning desire to succeed. So far, I've found no correlation between the reasons people want success and the results. Some people want to succeed for totally unhealthy reasons: they want attention, are insecure, etc. Surprisingly, these reasons seem to work. Regardless, the successful man really wants success. He doesn't think it would be cool to get chicks, he demands and craves social skills for some reason or other. I've seen many different reasons, desire to apply them to make more money, desire to have many beautiful women, desire to be ready to get "Miss Right" if or when she comes, desire to reproduce, lust for power, insecurity, want of validation, want to show off, wanting to conquer something, using it as a general pathway to great overhaul in lifestyle and self-improvement.
Some of the reasons are awesome, some I would deem unhealthy, but even if you have a rooted unhealthy desire to be great, it can lead to greatness. Of course, the highest levels require purging that unhealthy desire. But it's actually pretty easy once you're good to stop being down on yourself. That's how it went for me, and it was a liberating experience. I realized I had gotten into this for the wrong reasons, but it worked out pretty well.
The successful man is either process oriented, or someone that's kicking his butt into gear is process oriented. The unsuccessful man thinks that it would be great to have ten women just feeding him grapes. The successful man goes one step at a time, and chips away at the process.
The successful man honestly assesses progress. If he compares himself to a legend, it's inspirational and not depressing. He plays for himself. If a guy sets a goal of losing his virginity and then does so, he pats himself on the back. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
The successful man gets motivated by failure. Coming close burns him up and makes him try harder and work hard to get there. The unsuccessful man gets depressed, and fails to realize that the most valuable lessons are often learned on the brink of exhaustion, in times of desperation, and upon hitting rock bottom. He turns away the very thing that would allow him to climb out of the hole he's in. The successful man takes his lumps like a man, embraces the pain, learns the lessons, and gets it right next time.
The successful man is not attached to what he's already been doing. As soon as a man gets too attached to what he did yesterday, he stops getting better.
And lastly, the successful man is not a patient man. Old age comes before patience. The successful man makes risky decisions, and doesn't waste time. If a situation is dragging out, the successful man will frequently make turn it into a win or lose situation. He doesn't mess around with one girl stringing him out, he does something stupid that will land her 1 out of 10 times, and puts an end to the debacle the other 9 out of 10.
Someday as he gets better, he may land the girl 7 out of 10 times on his "gamble" but he'll never mess around and waste 20 times the effort on the girl that he could spend taking 1 in 10 chances. His ego may get bruised from time to time, it may hurt and burn, but the successful man is not a patient man. When confused about the situation, he does something drastic and makes the situation come to a conclusion one way or another. Then if he fails, he scrapes himself off the pave and does it again until it starts to work - and it does start to work.
Sebastian Drake is the founder of theApproach, a company focused on live training and high quality products for men to energize their social lives. theApproach received the highest review marks for customer satisfaction and value for money in 2006 on three separate, independent review sites.
Read a recent theApproach review of Neil Strauss' best-selling book 'The Game' here:
Neil Strauss' "The Game" - Review and Analysis
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